On Worrying

Worrying is my forté. When someone is more than 10 minutes late, I worry something bad has happened to them. As an impending test or assignment creeps closer, I worry I am going to fail. When someone mentions having the flu or a cold, I worry I am going to catch it too, thus take heed and keep my distance. In a lot of ways, keeping distance is a forté of mine as well. My worrying helps me to make decisions to protect myself and do all in my power to avoid being hurt in any way (physically and emotionally).

I have encompassed this means of self-preservation to the point where I've allowed worrying to block me from experiencing life at its fullest. I've stressed days away without appreciating what an amazing, priveleged, blessed life I lead. There are times where my thoughts are so engrossed in avoidance and caution as a result of my worrying, that I have compromised my ability to seize the intimacy with life that a care-free spirit posesses.

I understand that there is a balance to be found between living care-free and being a worry-wart, and I don't think I've accomplished it. This is not a pity story either! I have wonderful people in my life who really love me, and with whom I have experienced immense joy. But this is a comfort zone I have grown to take for granted, and from which I have not breached.

There are days where my soon-to-be adventure with Beyond Borders scares the living daylight out of me. How will I manage travelling on my own for the first time? How will I manage to communicate where Ukrainian is the predominant language? What if my host family doesn't like me? What if I get lost on my way to work? What if the girls at the orphanage don't accept me? What will I do the days where I feel alone and isolated from my family and friends? I could rant about the troubling scenarios that play through my mind for hours (some more ridiculous than others), but I realize this is neither healthy nor helpful.

Embarking on the journey Beyond Borders is offering me is a huge step (personally) in stepping out of my comfort zone; however, preparing for the trip, and having confidence in myself that I can take whatever comes my way is the next major obstacle ahead. It is likely that one or more of the scenarios that stress me out will become reality amidst my three months away. I hope that from these experiences I can learn to deal with life's uncertainties with greater competence and poise. In doing so, living in the moment and valuing my life as it fluctuates will come with greater ease. This is my weakness, and while it has become my struggle to overcome, embracing this journey in all its improbability has given me opportunities to expand - and as it continues I can only hope to develop further.